When the Tides Quietly Pull You Under
Reflecting After Domestic Violence Awareness Month
October came and went quietly for me this year. I didn’t post much during Domestic Violence Awareness Month — partly because it’s a topic that lives in my bones. Sometimes silence isn’t avoidance; it’s self-protection. It’s processing. It’s honoring what was once too heavy to carry out loud.
At Starfish Therapy, I believe in sharing truth not to sensationalize, but to humanize — to remind anyone who feels small, alone, or unseen that their story matters.
My Story (a Bit Deeper)
When I was in graduate school working toward my MSSW, I was also living in the center of a storm I was terrified to name. I was learning, theoretically and clinically, about power, control, trauma, and healing — while quietly surviving two relationships that were emotionally and psychologically abusive.
In one, I experienced emotional, verbal, and sexual control. In the other, there were moments of physical boundary-crossing. The hardest parts weren’t always visible — they were the ones carved into my sense of safety, self-worth, and trust.
I remember wondering: How can I do this work — help others heal — when I can’t seem to stop this from hurting me? I wrestled with shame: that I “should’ve known better,” that I “allowed” it, that I must somehow be broken.
Because I worked at a domestic violence and rape crisis center at the time, the dissonance was crushing. I was part of the system designed to help survivors — yet I was living within the same dynamics I was trained to identify. Some days I felt like a fraud; other days, powerless.
It took time, heartbreak, therapy, and boundary-setting to reclaim my safety and sense of self. The fact that it happened to me is not a mark of failure — it’s a reflection of how common, quiet, and complex abuse can be.
The Reality Beyond One Story
Domestic violence doesn’t end when October does.
When we say 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, it’s not just a number — it’s your friends, coworkers, clients, or maybe you.
Some truths worth remembering:
Nearly 1 in 4 adult women in the U.S. have experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner.
Over 41% of women and 26% of men report physical violence, stalking, or sexual violence by a partner.
Psychological aggression (gaslighting, coercion, insults, threats) is even more common — impacting over 100 million adults in the U.S.
On average, it takes survivors 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good.
These aren’t just statistics — they are lived realities, filled with courage, confusion, grief, and resilience.
A Message to Survivors (and to Myself)
If your heart aches as you read this, I see you.
If you’ve ever whispered, Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m overreacting, please know this: abuse is never your fault. It’s not about your failure — it’s about power and control.
You are not alone. You are not invisible. Your pain is valid. Your healing is possible.
You can re-learn safety. You can rebuild trust. You can reclaim the parts of you that were silenced. You can live a life that feels free.
Resources & Hope
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) | thehotline.org
Local domestic violence or rape crisis centers (searchable by state)
Trauma-informed therapy, survivor groups, and safety planning
Final Reflection
Awareness months come and go, but healing isn’t seasonal.
Sharing our stories — even after the hashtags fade — keeps the conversation alive and reminds others that recovery is real, even after silence.
I share mine now not because it’s unique, but because it’s true. And because truth, spoken gently, can become an act of healing — for ourselves and for others.
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Preventing Intimate Partner Violence. Updated 2024. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). Domestic Violence National Statistics. https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS
National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), CDC. An Overview of Intimate Partner Violence in the United States. 2022.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. Facts and Statistics About Domestic Violence. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/
World Health Organization (WHO). Violence Against Women Prevalence Estimates, 2018.
Smith, S.G., Zhang, X., Basile, K.C., Merrick, M.T., Wang, J., Kresnow, M. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Intimate Partner Violence. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, CDC.
