Growing Up In-Between: Why Mixed Identity Feels So Complicated (And Why You’re Not Alone)
Growing up mixed means growing up in motion.
Not fully landing in one identity.
Not fully reflected back in another.
Always reading the room, adjusting, shifting, translating, even before you had the words for it.
For many people who grow up in-between cultures, races, or communities, identity isn’t something inherited neatly.It’s something carried quietly, pieced together from moments of not quite fitting.
And no one prepares you for how heavy that can feel.
The Identity You Lived vs. The Identity People Saw
One of the most painful parts of growing up mixed or white-passing is knowing who you are internally while being misread externally.
People see your appearance and make assumptions.
But your memories — the food, the family rituals, the cultural values — tell a different story.
That disconnect creates a specific kind of grief:
They didn’t see the parts of me that mattered most.
This can lead to feeling invisible, disconnected, or like you’re “doing identity wrong,” even when nothing is wrong with you.
The Cultural Rules You Learned Without Realizing
Many mixed-identity kids grow up learning:
how to read the room quickly
when to soften or shrink
which parts of themselves feel “acceptable”
how to code-switch for safety
how to anticipate questions or comments
This constant adaptation is exhausting — especially for neurodivergent individuals who already experience heightened awareness and sensitivity.
You weren’t just navigating culture.
You were navigating belonging.
The Comments That Stay With You
Comments like:
“You don’t look Filipino.”
“Where are you really from?”
“You’re basically white.”
“You don’t count.”
These aren’t harmless questions.
They interrupt identity development and force people to justify who they are.
Over time, this creates shame, doubt, and a sense that belonging is conditional.
The Parts of Yourself You Learned to Hide
Growing up in-between often means:
minimizing your culture to avoid scrutiny
feeling embarrassed about language gaps
over-explaining your background
feeling guilty for claiming your identity
questioning whether you’re “allowed” to belong
These are not personal failures.
They are survival strategies in environments that didn’t fully reflect or protect you.
The Grief No One Names
Mixed identity often carries ambiguous grief:
grieving the culture you didn’t fully grow up in
grieving the language you don’t speak
grieving family history you didn’t access
grieving a version of yourself that might’ve felt more rooted
This grief deserves space.
Even if it’s hard to explain.
Reclaiming Identity in Adulthood
Here’s what often comes later:
You get to decide how you relate to your identity now.
Reclaiming might look like:
reconnecting with culture in your own way
learning history or language at your pace
finding community that understands complexity
releasing the need to prove yourself
defining belonging on your own terms
You are not late.
You are not behind.
You were navigating complexity early.
A Final Note
Growing up in-between doesn’t make you fragmented.
It makes you layered.
Your identity is not defined by:
how you look
how fluent you are
how others label you
how much access you had
Your identity is yours because it lives in you.
You belong — fully.
Want support navigating identity, belonging, or cultural grief?
I offer virtual therapy across Texas with a trauma-informed, neurodivergent-affirming, and culturally mindful approach.
